A positive day

Positivity. Today I feel positive. I feel somewhere close to happy. I walk around and feel Mavy as if she is cocooning me in love. It’s difficult to explain what a ‘good day’ looks like to me now but they are becoming more prevalent in my life and when I have them, I feel lighter. It is nice to feel good. There will always be a side to writing about feeling happy or positive that fills me with guilt. Will everyone think I don’t care about Mavy anymore? That I am over her death? Disclaimer: I am not over her death and I care massively. I think I do deserve to have some better days after being in darkness for almost 4 months. It’s funny nobody is putting this judgement on me at all. I’m putting it all on myself. Note to self – need to work on that.

Last week I walked upstairs and looked to Mavy’s bedroom as I always do, I saw a rainbow pattern of light coming out from under her door and I smiled. Was she showing me a sign? I have never believed in any of this but more and more I notice things that make me feel like she is here. It is likely I see these things because I want to, they have probably always been there, but I never noticed them before. My eyes and heart are open to everything around me. I feel pain more than I have ever felt it and it really hurts, but do you know what? I don’t mind anymore. I welcome my pain. I want to feel it. I want to feel my love for Mavy, as that is all my pain is. It is the love for her that causes it.

As well as the pain I have never felt love like this. I feel a stronger connection with my family and friends. I love Adam fiercely. My love for Nola is intensified. I feel close to people I didn’t know or speak to much before Mavy died.  It isn’t that I didn’t feel love before, but I never stopped to think about what it is exactly that I am feeling. I was far too busy in the rat race. Just pausing and allowing my emotions is so freeing.

I am calmer about the worries of mundane things. I don’t have one hundred thoughts and lists of things to do running through my mind as I did before. I still have quite a few because losing Mavy did not give me a personality transplant but I have definitely ‘chilled out’ a bit. Who cares if I haven’t remembered to put the bin out? Bad example as Adam always does that but you get the gist.

I want to take care of myself a lot more. Put myself first sometimes. I think many of us feel guilty for taking that time away to have a long bath, buy ourselves a new book or just pamper ourselves. I have struggled to relax in the past and have always felt (especially since becoming a Mum) that I shouldn’t put myself first as that is selfish. Listen up! Putting yourself first is the opposite of selfish. It allows you to recharge and therefore become a better Mother, Wife, Friend etc.

My positivity and happiness the last week do not mean I don’t break down in tears of shock most days. I was driving alone the other day and I saw an ambulance with the blues and twos on. I was immediately transported back in time to my ambulance trip. I went into a daydream, running through the scenario of what had happened and as I played the story out, I was hit by sudden anxiety. Oh my god, she died. How did she die? Did that happen to me? It was like I’d just discovered the memory, as if I didn’t know it had happened. I don’t know what this means. I could psychoanalyse myself and say I have not reached ‘acceptance’ yet. Perhaps it is a PTSD response to the trauma I went through. Who knows? All I do know is those moments happen often, but I recover from them quicker now.

In my experience with grief so far, I understand that you can have some bloody brilliant days where you think, I will be okay. I will survive. Each day can be subtly or massively different from the last, as our emotions are ever changing and evolving. 

More and more I notice myself feeling whole again. I think a lot of this is that I have learned how to carry Mavy in this way. I do not feel nervous or worried to talk about her so much anymore. I hold my head high and tell anyone who wants to know all about her. Although I don’t physically have Mavy in my arms, I have her. She is mine. My daughter. I have survived every single day since Mavy died and I will continue to survive more. Fighters talk. I am fighting for my life, for my happiness.

I do not know how I’ll feel next week, next year or in 10 years-time. All I can do is keep going with what my grieving brain wants and try to push myself towards a more positive way of thinking. I can’t change what has happened, but I can decide what I do with my life because of it. I choose to be hopeful and help others navigate this tough path.

Sending love to all those loss parents and the friends and family who support them.

Emma xxx

5 thoughts on “A positive day

  1. Once again Emma your words are so true. Loosing someone you love dearly or being so scared of loosing your own life (you never know what life can throw at you) changes you and definitely makes you love harder and appreciate everything, and realising things you used to worry and stress about really aren’t that important. Love and hugs to you all XXxxx 💗


  2. So wonderful to read you have had a positive day darling …. one day at a time …
    You deserve some hours of relief from such intense grief and darkness …
    So beautifully written from the heart Emma, I am sure this will help many . Your honestly is what’s needed out there, to free others, so they able to share their pain also .
    Today was a good day for you and Mavy will be smiling and happy her mummy had a better day .
    Love you miss you loads


  3. Emma sweetheart, this is such a beautiful honest and heartfelt blog post, and no you should not feel guilty at all about having happy days or loving yourself. You have told us in a former blog that you know this whole painful experience of losing your sweet Mavy has changed you for the better. Unless you love yourself you are never able to fully love others. In the bible Jesus said we should “love others as you love yourself.” Loving yourself is vastly different to selfish love.

    It is very late now and I must get to bed, but tomorrow I will send you a message with something amazing regarding the rainbow colours you saw under Mavy’s bedroom door. It ties in perfectly with something I experienced a few days ago, and the rainbow is the symbol of promise.

    I wish I could find words to tell you just how proud and privileged I feel to be one of your Nan’s when I see how you are responding to such a tragic experience and loss. Very sadly we can never change the things we go through however painful they are – but we can change what we do about it, how we respond, whether we allow it to destroy us, or to make us better as a person, and most importantly whether we turn it into an opportunity to reach out the loving hand to others who struggle with the same tragedies we’ve known – and this is exactly what you are doing now. In doing so your dear little Mavy’s short life on earth has not been in vain, but has already begun to bring help and hope to others who go through similar tragic situations. You are truly amazing Emma, and so is Adam alongside you, and you are just as amazing even when some days grief still overwhelms.

    The days when you see the rainbow colours and experience happiness will become more frequent with the passage of time, and these will be the days when memories of Mavy will touch your day with joy amid the pain. These will be the days when you trace the rainbow through the rain.. Somewhere over the rainbow is a wonderful place we call Heaven, where the streets are paved with gold, and where God promises us that sorrow, tears, pain and death will be no more. Mavy’s earthly life was cut tragically short and none of us will ever understand why, but I truly believe that her eternal life with Jesus is just beginning because children were SO precious to Him when He walked on earth.

    Mark’s gospel Chapter 10:13-16 records these words

    Jesus Blesses Little Children
    Then they brought little children to Jesus, that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked those who brought them. But when Jesus saw it, He was greatly displeased and said to them, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God. Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.” And He took them up in His arms, laid His hands on them, and blessed them.

    We all love you so much Emma. Sending big hugs. xxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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