Positivity. Today I feel positive. I feel somewhere close to happy. I walk around and feel Mavy as if she is cocooning me in love. It’s difficult to explain what a ‘good day’ looks like to me now but they are becoming more prevalent in my life and when I have them, I feel lighter. It is nice to feel good. There will always be a side to writing about feeling happy or positive that fills me with guilt. Will everyone think I don’t care about Mavy anymore? That I am over her death? Disclaimer: I am not over her death and I care massively. I think I do deserve to have some better days after being in darkness for almost 4 months. It’s funny nobody is putting this judgement on me at all. I’m putting it all on myself. Note to self – need to work on that.
Last week I walked upstairs and looked to Mavy’s bedroom as I always do, I saw a rainbow pattern of light coming out from under her door and I smiled. Was she showing me a sign? I have never believed in any of this but more and more I notice things that make me feel like she is here. It is likely I see these things because I want to, they have probably always been there, but I never noticed them before. My eyes and heart are open to everything around me. I feel pain more than I have ever felt it and it really hurts, but do you know what? I don’t mind anymore. I welcome my pain. I want to feel it. I want to feel my love for Mavy, as that is all my pain is. It is the love for her that causes it.
As well as the pain I have never felt love like this. I feel a stronger connection with my family and friends. I love Adam fiercely. My love for Nola is intensified. I feel close to people I didn’t know or speak to much before Mavy died. It isn’t that I didn’t feel love before, but I never stopped to think about what it is exactly that I am feeling. I was far too busy in the rat race. Just pausing and allowing my emotions is so freeing.
I am calmer about the worries of mundane things. I don’t have one hundred thoughts and lists of things to do running through my mind as I did before. I still have quite a few because losing Mavy did not give me a personality transplant but I have definitely ‘chilled out’ a bit. Who cares if I haven’t remembered to put the bin out? Bad example as Adam always does that but you get the gist.
I want to take care of myself a lot more. Put myself first sometimes. I think many of us feel guilty for taking that time away to have a long bath, buy ourselves a new book or just pamper ourselves. I have struggled to relax in the past and have always felt (especially since becoming a Mum) that I shouldn’t put myself first as that is selfish. Listen up! Putting yourself first is the opposite of selfish. It allows you to recharge and therefore become a better Mother, Wife, Friend etc.
My positivity and happiness the last week do not mean I don’t break down in tears of shock most days. I was driving alone the other day and I saw an ambulance with the blues and twos on. I was immediately transported back in time to my ambulance trip. I went into a daydream, running through the scenario of what had happened and as I played the story out, I was hit by sudden anxiety. Oh my god, she died. How did she die? Did that happen to me? It was like I’d just discovered the memory, as if I didn’t know it had happened. I don’t know what this means. I could psychoanalyse myself and say I have not reached ‘acceptance’ yet. Perhaps it is a PTSD response to the trauma I went through. Who knows? All I do know is those moments happen often, but I recover from them quicker now.
In my experience with grief so far, I understand that you can have some bloody brilliant days where you think, I will be okay. I will survive. Each day can be subtly or massively different from the last, as our emotions are ever changing and evolving.
More and more I notice myself feeling whole again. I think a lot of this is that I have learned how to carry Mavy in this way. I do not feel nervous or worried to talk about her so much anymore. I hold my head high and tell anyone who wants to know all about her. Although I don’t physically have Mavy in my arms, I have her. She is mine. My daughter. I have survived every single day since Mavy died and I will continue to survive more. Fighters talk. I am fighting for my life, for my happiness.
I do not know how I’ll feel next week, next year or in 10 years-time. All I can do is keep going with what my grieving brain wants and try to push myself towards a more positive way of thinking. I can’t change what has happened, but I can decide what I do with my life because of it. I choose to be hopeful and help others navigate this tough path.
Sending love to all those loss parents and the friends and family who support them.